Tired

I have had an interesting couple of weeks spending my time intensely editing my thesis and rewriting and editing and rewriting and editing and rewriting and editing...and so it went. But the good news is that my thesis was submitted by the due date and all is well in the land of Barb.

However, due to the late nights staying up studying (I work full time so nights were the only time I had free and weekends of course) I think that I went past that time when you know you are over tired, but some how you just keep going until you finish what you have to do. Im not complaining because I love studying and I love reading, so studying was not a chore. It was more of a 'I ran out of time' to study thing. I had to sleep at some stage so that I could go to work. The point being that I wore myself out. Literally. 

I am currently suffering from a jet lag type of fatigue, or maybe a better way to describe it would be delayed fatigue. On Monday, the day that I submitted my thesis, I felt so happy and excited, there was a sense of well being, euphoria and a host of other emotions that went through my mind and my body. Achieving ones goals is so satisfying. Despite these emotions I did not visibly display how I was feeling because I did not feel the urge to do that. You see although there was all this intense emotional euphoria going on inside of me, I also felt the urge to be really quiet, to be still. It was an odd sensation. 

Today, Tuesday, I had to drag myself out of bed to get to work. I got up early because I did not have to take the beast to school this morning, which also meant that if I left early for work I could leave work earlier. Tuning into my body, I felt extremely tired this morning, I was pleased to get to work early. The interesting thing is that my day went fast but I went slow. Really slow to the point of being a snail. It was a weird sensation.

I left work early and upon my arrival at home I hit the treadmill. I hit the treadmill thinking that a good jog would wake up my body, that by now is feeling like its about to shut down. I ran at an enjoyable pace and felt the tension leave me. I sighed with pleasure, it was relaxing and I felt good. I jumped off the treadmill, hit the shower, cooled off, dried myself and got dressed and then passed out on my bed. Oh my god what a granny. I can not believe that I did that. My fabulous children came home to find me snoring my head off in my room at 6pm. They were in shock. Usually at that time of night I am in full mummy swing, cooking, cleaning, watering plants, sweeping floors etc etc etc. It was amazing. 

The kids were stunned. They both stood in my bedroom door, trying to lower their voices which actually woke me up from my concussion (Im sure thats what it was), as I rolled over to look at them through the crescent opening of my eyelids, my daughter said, 'oh poor mum, you look really tired and we woke you up'. My son said 'are you asleep?'. 

I muttered a response however words didn't seem to want to form in my mouth because I had trouble moving my jaw. They both stood there a few minutes and looked at me a bit longer, this time quietly, then my son said 'we'll shut the door and let you sleep'. 

Of course that was it, I was now awake. I dragged myself out of bed and went to the kitchen to have a chat with the kids. I opted not to cook and we ordered out. The beast surfaced from her bed at the sound of us tinkering away in the kitchen and joined the harmony. I was quiet. I listened to the chatter of my children and the routine goings on of feeding dogs, cats and ourselves. 

As I ate, my daughter said to me, 'you look really tired'. I nodded. My son said 'you look really clean'. Well that just cracked me up laughing. Boys brains are so interesting. They work completely differently to girls and in our house, my son being the only boy, it is really noticeable. My daughter is often heard to say 'he is such a boy brain'. My daughter gives her brother this look, and he goes 'what' and raises his arms, then he turns back to me and says 'well you do'. Made me wonder what I look like when I haven't had a shower...lol

Dinner all over and I headed back to my room. I am now resting, tuning into my body and blogging. I still feel tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired, and I am tired. 

Satisfied, but tired. 

Life is good!

Editing and Procrastination

I have spent the past four weeks madly editing my thesis leaving little time for myself or for enjoying the good things in life. Not that I am complaining but I am having trouble finalising my work. My thesis subject matter is deep and meaningful and it is something that I am passionate about. The subject matter is close to my lived experiences therefore it is requiring me to put aside my personal thoughts and focus on the academic paradigm of an anthropology discourse in order for me to gain good grades.

The issue that I have had previously is that I was struggling with sifting through the information to make some sense of what it is I am really trying to say. Having said that I managed to put my thoughts in order and deliver a coherent and clear argument, however I have just realised that although my thoughts about my subject matter are coherent and clear, I am having problems finalising the task of editing. 

Is it boredom, is it lack of wanting to finish it, or is it because I have a short attention span which I gladly own up to? I am not sure what is going on, but what I do know is that I only have 5 more days to finalise my thesis and submit it. 

I feel a big sigh coming on! The interesting thing is that I do not feel stressed or that I need more time. I have written my thesis, I have read through it and it is coherent. I am clear and have remained focused on my argument. it is the editing that is driving me insane and referencing the parts that need tidying up. 

I think the issue is that once I achieve what I set out to do I have difficulty returning to it, so maybe this is why I am struggling to finalise my thesis, or maybe I am just waiting for the last minute because I love working under pressure, it keeps the adrenaline pumping and motivates me to remain focused. 

So MF some clarity here would be welcomed.

On that note I am signing off to go back to work on editing my thesis or to think about editing my thesis. There is always tomorrow night, less stress it will get done.

Life is good!