Divorce

DIVORCE hit me the other day when I received a phone call from my ex husband letting me know that he is going to apply for a divorce this year. I was floored. We have been separated for three years now so you would think that I was ready for this. Interestingly it was a bit of a shock. My reaction to his statement was unusual for me. I mean I was the one who left the marriage, I was the one who initiated the separation and encouraged my ex to find a new life. I was the one who wore all the 'it's all mums fault' from my children and I was the one who has patiently and sometimes impatiently worn the anger of my family. I knew this day would come so why am I reacting as though I am in shock?

Divorce is an interesting word. I mean what exactly does that mean? My interpretation is that I am no longer legally bound to my ex. What I thought it didn't mean was that I would no longer be emotionally tied to my ex. How wrong I was. My ex is always going to be in my life because we have 4 beautiful children together whom we have agreed to co-parent despite the fact that we are no longer together. However I have come to realise that when my ex asked me for a divorce he actually severed the emotional bond between us. I felt the cut of the scissors as the question reverberated through my brain. It was a moving moment. Quite powerful really.

When I told my mother what he had asked, her response was 'how do you feel about that?' My mother is so insightful. At the time I did not have an answer for her. I felt strange. I felt alone. I felt disconnected from the moment. I felt like I was watching someone elses life. Is was very weird. Having said that I think I now understand what I was really feeling.

I have had a few days to digest the moment and I believe the feeling I was having was FREEDOM. Yes folks I am finally free emotionally. How interesting is that. Freedom is new to me because I was married for 25 years. Freedom is something that I have not really understood until that moment in time when the word DIVORCE appeared out of nowhere and hit me in the head. It was so unexpected. Totally threw me. For the first time in my life I do not feel obligated to my ex husband at all. Amazing!

My ex and I grew up together. Well actually I grew up, I'm not sure what happened to him. Anyway the point is that we had been together a long time and it is only now that I am totally free that I understand my emotional bondage. The release was instantaneous and it was incredibly enlightening. The feeling is not something that I have felt before so it was difficult to put into words. But I now realise it is the sense of freedom that threw me off balance. And I have to say it feels fantastic. It is an amazing awareness of my inner presence and how much of a burden I had taken on in making sure that he survived our separation and adjust his life accordingly. 


Finally I can dispense with the emotional bondage of my past.

I am free physically and emotionally at long last!

So on that note DIVORCE party coming soon and you are all invited! Woo hoo!!!

Life is good.