I have opened this page a couple of times this week and sat staring at a blank page. I am struggling to write. Not sure why. I have so many writing tasks to do yet the page remains blank, stares back at me and my mind is empty. I cannot seem to find a single word to write. I have closed this page several times, then opened it hoping that the magic will happen and words will spill forth from my thoughts splashing onto the page filling the void with thoughts of worth and value. I can not seem to be coherent yet my mind is filled with the personal little things of the mundane. I cannot seem to get out of the daily routine of thoughts of triviality yet I function to meet the responsibilities of my day. As I write this I wonder what it is that has sent me to this place of routine. A rote list of daily tasks that need attending to. Its interesting how the little things manage to become the most time consuming chores when you are feeling as though you are moving around in a fog. Thats probably not a good description but basically it's just that I am having difficulty sitting down long enough at my desk to write and when I do I think of other things that I could be doing or I get side tracked and start researching other interests and not attending to the matter at hand and that is getting on with my thesis. Its not that I haven't written it, I have. The problem is I have to edit it and I am procrastinating.
I searched the internet to inspire me to get on with it, but alas I sit here sharing my inability to string a coherent thought together. It is a little frustrating yet I also find it interesting that I am in this position. Normally I would have just sat down and got on with it. Lately I have not been able to focus. What is on my mind you ask? Good question. Everything from work, to my children to my life in general. The only thing not on my mind is my thesis.
So having said that maybe I need to take a break from it and I shall come back to it with fresh eyes and new enthusiasm in a few weeks time. Who knows. What I do know is that I have taken deliberate steps to go to Uni on the weekend and spend hours working on it. I am hoping that the atmosphere of the University will create the thought processes that I need to get out of this slump of thoughtlessness that I currently exist in.
I shall not complain for my life is running smoothly and I love my job. I am grateful for what I have, but I ask for universal intervention when I say 'please send me coherent, clear thoughts that meet the requirements of my thesis' in order for me to 'get on with it....sigh!
Less stress, life is good!
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ReplyDeleteSorry, too many spelling mistakes!
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling! Yes, frustrating and yes, sometimes good to take a break and come back to it with fresh eyes. It can be hard to keep the passion alive, not because you aren't interested in your subject, but because the task of knocking all those words into shape is quite massive.
Hang in there, start on one bit - try not to think about the whole thing, it's just too big that way. And yes, going to uni might just help. But it is really hard studying when you have to step back into the world all the time and function there as well.
Hi MF yes thats it knocking all those words together so that it is coherent. I think my biggest problem though is my responsibilities e.g. my children, full time work, the house etc etc. I don't have the luxury of sitting around to focus on my thesis. I will make time to do that but usually I only get a few hours here and there. Being constantly interrupted is a little problematic. Its not that I can't do that but its just that I really want to spend longer on it.
ReplyDeleteIm not complaining though. I have a great life. I think I am just a little frustrated because I am not able to be a full time academic at the moment. And I really want to write. Finding the time to do it is the issue.
I will be studying all day tomorrow so I am looking forward to that.
And I have watched you with your thesis and I am hoping that I will not go into that space, but I am only human....lol Not to worry all good. Shall keep plodding on and just get on with it. I reckon.
I saw my theory supervisor in Albany today and it was a very positive session. I am in the stages of 'crafting' the final exegesis, that means it's all basically there and I now have confirmaion that the format and flow is working. That means I now have to tweak it by rearranging some stuff so it is in the rights spots.
ReplyDeleteIt is a mammoth undretaking, and I don't work full time or have kids. So I am in awe of anyone who still does this with all those responsibilities. I think removing yourelf from the home environment is probably a good idea - that way there are less demands on you cos you just aren't there!
I wouldn't expect you to go down as far as I did, much of my journey was a result of the topic I am working with and some deep seated unresolved issues that are probably unique to me. But from what I have heard, it is a tough journey for everyone who finally gets there. So be prepared for that at least - it will get REALLY stressful......but after that you will be on the downward side of the mountain :)
Thanks MF. I plan to hit the University environment to finish my thesis. I need to be in that environment just get studying at the moment because the home front is chaotic....who would have guessed....lol three young adults at home, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a brother who is like the phantom all moving around in the same space....lol Too funny.
ReplyDeleteAll is good. I have made a conscious decision 'to get on with it'. I reckon thats the way to go. Will take on board all of your experience and advice. But just so you know I plan to 'get on with it'...new mindset happening all ready.