Fear

It has just occurred to me that I have spent the last three weeks doing things that I do not really want to do because other people have been projecting their fears onto me. Interestingly I have been on the receiving end of this 'fear' over the past 4 weeks.

Let me explain. I went online dating (see previous blog) because my cousins projected their fear of me being alone onto me and I felt obligated to do something about it. I have to say at the time it felt like the right thing to do but as the weeks rolled over I realised it was not what I wanted to do, so why was I there? I was there because they put that fear onto me and it was not a fear that I had previously. I think they projected their fear onto me and I received it. I was aware that I was doing something out of character for me so it did not feel comfortable for me and it made me very aware that I needed to look at why I was online dating? Of course I now have come to this conclusion, fear. And not my fear but other people's fear. Once I identified the fear factor I stopped online dating and then by chance a couple of other interesting fear factor transmissions have happened to me since.

Recently I was at a concert titled the 5 Elements. It was a mix of cultural music focused around three Indian musicians, a didge player and singer, a sax player, and a techno guy. One Indian dancer. One of the most interesting mixes of music I have ever seen and totally inspirational. Cross cultural connections in the true sense of the word. Magic stuff. Anyway at the concert I met this PHD student who was having a melt down about her thesis. My friend told her that I was contemplating doing a PHD in Anthropology, so the student goes into a diatribe of why am I going to do it, and told me it was the hardest thing she has ever done and she was a mess. I couldn't believe what I was hearing or seeing, so I kind of ignored her because I instantly picked up that she was transferring her own fears onto me. I went for the champagne glass and nice it was. What I don't understand is why did she think that I will have a hard time doing a PHD just because she did?

The next fear factor transmission came from a colleague who arguably went into a similar negative diatribe about doing a PHD etc etc etc. Now I have not enrolled as yet and I know that it won't be easy, but the truth is I am not afraid because I actually want to be there. Not for the prestige of being at Uni or anything like that but because I have an over active brain that needs to be stimulated on a regular basis otherwise I get bored and start looking for new challenges. And I do not want to throw myself out of a plane as a challenge. I also think the difference for me is that I love studying, I love learning and I love reading. It is my favourite pass time, I am totally addicted. I live in the library whenever I get the chance and I love it. I want to learn and I love voicing my thoughts in an objective way. I love hearing what others have to say. Life for me is about learning and experiencing new things. Of course I have to plan it so that it won't be financially draining and I will work that bit out. Now before you all start telling me the pitfalls of my new challenge let me just say I am truly aware of them, really I am. That is why it has taken me three years to make the decision. However, the thing I am aware of is that I know myself extremely well, and I know what I can and cannot manage, and I am not afraid to fail for through failure comes success.

So you see before you voice your fears and project them onto others, maybe you should think about keeping them to yourself and just go with the flow and see what happens. Because we are all different and our fears are our own based on our own ability to achieve, which means my fears are not the same as yours. My interpretation of the the fear factor is someone else's stress that is transferred to other's to make themselves feel good about the fear they are experiencing because then they think it is normal and it is okay because they think that everybody else is experiencing or will experience the same fear if put in the same situation. Interesting isn't it?

I am not afraid to experience what life has to offer, I just may take my time about indulging because I like to work out the pros and cons before I make a decision. Of course relationships may be the exception for me because I reckon you cannot control that so I find it really scary....lol

PHD here I come and I am not afraid.